Favorite Quotes

The Simpsons

The episode names are linked to The Simpsons Archive, which contains FAQs, episode guides, and other Simpsons-related information.

• "In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"
  --Homer, yelling at Lisa for inventing a perpetual motion machine in "The PTA Disbands".
• "Talking out of turn...that's a paddling. Looking out the window...that's a paddling. Staring at my sandals...that's a paddling. Paddling the school canoe...ooh, you better believe that's a paddling."
  --Jasper, explaining the classroom rules while he is substitute teaching in "The PTA Disbands".
• "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
  --Homer, in "Colonel Homer".
• "Don't worry, Marge. [Susan's] idea of wit is nothing more than an incisive observation humorously phrased and delivered with impeccable timing."
  --Evelyn, to Marge in "Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield".
• "All right, we're here. Now let us never speak of the shortcut again."
  --Homer, as the family arrives at "Itchy and Scratchy Land".
• "Hmm, sounded large when I ordered it. I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps."
  --Burns, talking about a 1000g weight he just dropped on Homer in "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One".
• "I've decided to protect myself ever since I was attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant."
  --Burns, still unable to remember Homer's name despite Homer spraying graffiti reading "My name is Homer Simpson" all over Burns' office in "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One".
• "What advantages does this motor car have over, say, a train -- which I could also afford?"
  --Homer, test driving a Bentley in "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily".
• "The number you have dialed can no longer be reached from this phone, you negligent monster."
  --Recording on phone, when Homer tries to call Bart and Lisa at their foster home in "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily".
• "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities."
  --Sideshow Bob, in Sideshow Bob Roberts. (It's better if you can imagine Kelsey Grammar saying it.)
• "Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!"
  --Groundskeeper Willie to his fellow Scots in The Cartridge Family.
• "Tell you what. You come with me to an N.R.A. meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great...we can argue some more."
  --Homer to Marge, in The Cartridge Family.
• "But Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!"
  --Homer, trying to justify keeping his gun in The Cartridge Family.
• "No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek Convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt."
  --Comic Book Guy to a salesman, in The Homer They Fall.
• "Whoa! Whoa! A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies."
  --Salesman, in response to above.
• "My little girl's tummy hurts. Do you have anything to stop her complaining?"
  --Homer, in Make Room for Lisa.
• "Whoa! Sensory deprivation kicks ass!"
  --Homer, in Make Room for Lisa.
• "You can't kick me out. It'll cause a miscount in the Census! A miscount!"
  --Homer to Marge, in DABF01.
• "Simpson! Homer Simpson!
  "He's the greatest guy in history.
  From the! Town of Springfield!
  He's about to hit a chestnut tree!" (to the tune of the Flintstones theme)
  --Homer, moments before driving into a tree, in Marge vs. the Monorail
• "Hmm, we didn't have a message when we left. How very odd."
  --Homer, looking at the answering machine, in Marge Be Not Proud.

Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail

• "This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who."